Don't You Wanna Stay
by Francine2869
Summary: Written after the March 24th episode. A continuation of the confrontation scenes. Written before viewing March 25th scenes.


**Fic**: Don't You Wanna Stay (taken from song)

**Pairing**: Aaron/Jackson - Emmerdale

**Rating**: T

**Authors note/spoilers**: Written after the March 24th episode clips. Those scenes were soo sad and well acted and I could completely understand each character's feelings. Kudos to all the actors. I felt compelled to write ... SOMETHING that would comfort Aaron and Jackson (a and this song occurred to me. In the end, this is what I came up with. I don't think there could be a happy ending at this point. I am posting this before I watch the March 25th clips.

* * *

_Don't you wanna stay here a little while,_

_Don't you wanna hold each other tight,_

_Don't you wanna fall asleep with me tonight,_

_Don't you wanna stay here a little while,_

_We can make forever feel this way,_

_Don't you wanna stay_

- Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson "Don't You Wanna Stay"

* * *

Aaron doesn't go home that night. It isn't a choice for him. He cant't leave Jackson in this state. He can't leave him while his eyes are empty and his lower lip is tight with repressed sobs and unspoken despair.

They all take a few extra minutes to breathe that afternoon. Aaron manages to pull together a simple dinner while Hazel dresses Jackson in a t-shirt and sleep pants, taking off his starched suit and washing dried tears off his face. They eat silently, not really tasting anything while the television blasts the sound of fake laughter and cheery music into the dull atmosphere. Hazel tried to be discreet when she watches Jackson, makes helpless eyes at him when he isn't paying attention, but they all feel the stifling pressure and silence that weighs down the room. She looks terrible by the end of dinner, eyes bloodshot and cheeks red from a near constant stream of silent tears. Jackson, guilty about causing her pain but unable to summon the effort to do anything about it simply lays with his eyes closed.

Aaron tidies up the dishes, spending extra moments in the kitchen to wipe the counter for a third time and sweep the floor that Hazel had done just this morning.

It's still pretty early when Aaron assures Hazel that she can go to bed. She needs to rest and nothing else is going to happen tonight. She protests, but Aaron knows she can't handle anymore today.

Also, perhaps selfishly, he feels a need to be alone with Jackson. He wants to have some time without Hazel as a go-between. They need time to be together without anyone from the outside world watching and judging them.

~*~

Aaron snags a t-shirt from Jackson's drawer and pulls it on as he drags a chair to the side of the bed. He hasn't touched the other man since their incident this morning. Hasn't felt like he has the right. But tonight, now, he needs the reassurance of Jackson's warm skin and the steady pulse beneath. Jackson's head is turned away and he doesn't move as Aaron takes his hand. Maybe he doesn't notice.

Aaron doesn't know what to say. Or... he does, but there are too many words that all want to come tumbling out at the same time. He feels his eyes burning, feels his eyes fill with tears again.

As he sits there letting them roll silently down his cheeks, he thinks about the first time he saw Jackson in Bar West. He thinks about their first kiss. He thinks about their first time together. He thinks about their fights and making up and other fights... He thinks of all the times he's wasted in his life that could have been spent with Jackson before... He cries for the frivolous moments that he's expended on staying angry and bitter.

He strokes Jackson's fingers as he thinks about his own suicide attempt. He remembers how badly he'd felt, how dark his perception of the world had been. How disappointed he had been to wake up in hospital, alive and in still in pain. Immense physical and emotional pain. He grips Jackson's hand tighter with the knowledge that only that experience, only that time in his life meant he could possibly understand the what Jackson is going through. The absence of hope that consumed him and now penetrates Jackson's thoughts and feelings and actions.

He wipes his face with one hand and looks at Jackson. REALLY looks at him. At his useless body laying prone on a hospital bed in a small house. At the body that used to be alive and vibrating with energy. At the traitorous arms and legs that now refuse even the simplest of commands. He sees the blank look on Jackson's face and the steady rise and fall of his chest as he takes each breath. That's where he focuses his attention now, on that steady action that symbolizes life. Not necessarily _living_, but life in it's essential form.

As the silence becomes unbearable and the weight of depression makes Aaron's shoulders hurt, he stands and moves closer to the bed. He sits gingerly beside Jackson, who's still looking at the far wall, and waits to see what (if any) reaction the other man would have. Fear? Anger? Disgust? Disappointment?

He moves closer still and reaches out a hand to Jackson's far shoulder, pulling him forward slightly.

"What're you doin?" Jackson asks in a low tone.

"Moving you." Aaron responds quietly, frankly.

"I can see that," Jackson levels, "Why?"

Aaron just shakes his head and lays down beside Jackson. It's a tight fit with both of them stretched out, but neither complains.

Aaron shifts Jackson's shoulders, lifting them slightly as he slides one arm underneath and drapes the other over his back. He pulls Jackson's hips to him slightly to fix the odd angle that his body is left laying at and keeps fiddling until it looks more comfortable. At least to him. No one will ever know how Jackson's body _actually_ feels.

Aaron pauses for a moment, seeking Jackson's gaze as he stretches above him. Jackson's eyes are soft, loving... but full of pain. Aaron tries to smile but he can't so he just lays down, pulling Jackson into his chest. His head ends up tucked into Aaron's neck and his hand bends at a funny angle between them, but neither see or feel it.

"For tonight," Aaron says, "I'm not going to say anything else. I'm just going to be here, with you, _for you_. Call it a truce."

Jackson rolls his head into Aaron's neck as much as he can. Burrowing away from the and pain and trouble and hurt.

"_Accepted_." He breathes, kissing the pulse that beats strongly at the bottom of Aaron's neck.

They lay together in a small bed, cuddled together and silent as the sun disappears and the moon rises. It's hours before either of them consider sleep. The steady whoosh of breathing is a comfort, a balm to fractured souls. Tears fall and are wiped away, smiles are rare and fleeting while troubled eyes search each other.

Jackson relishes the warmth of Aaron's neck and collarbone beneath his cheek and ear. He can't feel the blankets pulled over his still form, can't feel the clothes he's dressed in or the slight dip of the mattress towards the centre with both of them on it. What he does feel is _loved_. He feels calmed. For the first time in a long time, Jackson feels some semblance of warmth inside.

Aaron kisses him, softly, lightly. His ear, his hair, his eyelids that flutter closed at the caress. His lips are slightly chapped and his warm breath ghosts over Jackson's face as he tilts it to look into his eyes. Night falls and they listen to the silence of the house. A mechanical hum from the refrigerator and a distant cough from Hazel's room upstairs are the only signs of life besides themselves. Jackson knows it's selfish and knows that he'll hate himself in the morning for the weakness, but he presses harder and harder against Aaron... any part that he can reach with his limited mobility. It's too painful and pointless to wish about what might have been, but they have tonight and they have a small amount of intimacy. Through everything that's happened, everything they've been through... they have each other.

Jackson wishes it was enough.

Aaron wishes the night would last forever.

*~* Fin *~*


End file.
